A friend in a Zone

Human is privileged to beg for love. We are capable of demanding it from other person. It has to be fair as we all thought of loving someone, it’s like a pact. “I will love you, please love me too.” We all wanted it to work that way because for us, it’s a torture- loving without you receiving some of it.

This means a world of our expectations, from the biggest to the slightest thing we could ask out from our fantasies that we want to make happen.

I have many friends, “boy” friends that usually and honestly consumes most of my time.  I fully know I have so much work to do but when the clock hits at 10 pm I decided to talk to them.

I heard more than stories not just of love but of life itself. I felt how hard love was it for those guys to bare. Craving for chances that only the future could tell if it’ll be worth. But as usual, they are hard to understand. There’s so many sides even I can’t comprehend even if I tried. They’ll say they wanted to move on, to forget, but you will see them begging for second chances. You will see them lurking to the ones they wanted to move off. You will hear them go over past they’re memories time to time a certain thing reminds them like food, place, favorites and etc. They’ll say they wanted to be free but it just means they wanted their girl to be free again from the new man who replaced them. They’ll say they’re happy but it means they would be happy if she comes back. They’ll say they wait but it means they badly needed an answer now.

I could never understand them. But I never understood myself more. Of why I keep on listening to their million time repeated stories and flashbacks. I never care if it began to hurt me and I could never understand myself so much. It scratches my heart and it aches when I saw them whole and happy in their past. Of how they find me at their darkest and broken hours and stopped to text me when they regain their previous relationship. Of how I was able to love someone who make me feel of love but has no deep meaning at all. And of how I wake up and face the new morning blessed and broken, no one has ever noticed even to those who demands of my time and ears, shoulders and tears.

I guess that’s how I worked with love. I wonder how I am able to sustain myself in my own knees when my heart breaks, of how I can still stand after a great fall and of how I was able to care again to some persons who insulted and never had done good for me. Despite of everything, I am glad I’ve helped them. It’s a great relief seeing them well in the side of others. At least I’ve done my part. I’d never had a relationship but I think this is my love life and that is to love life. A life that scoped a hard path, makes you endure and feel a profound victory in the end, a privilege other will never felt.