A survivor's love

Not nearly Love

By: Jamiela V. Valcurza

Love necessarily needs distance.

Distance that means a space for once.

Once that would never be enough

Enough to make me happy and laugh.

Love grew unexpectedly.

Unexpectedly, expecting the unexpected.

Unexpected but I always assume

Assume that our hearts are in the same room.

When love was away, I wasn’t sure to stay.

Stay to wherever I stopped and watch you away.

Away from the very point I bravely say.

Say you’ll stay.

No one will ever understand the feeling.

Feeling that nobody has ever felt.

Felt like it was already wrong to hold.

Hold on to things that weren’t right

In the end you’ll just see you end up

Up to the oceans of doubts and fears

Fears that already conquered, now formed

Formed as an advice to whoever feels the same.

A Lover's Poem

“The way I’m Left Behind”

By: Ken Dexter C. Arandela

Wheels roll and doors closed

As I watch you leave from afar

I hear the silent screams of my heart

Screaming for you to stay with me

As you disappear in the horizon

My eyes were locked in

Locked in the position where you sat

Hoping that you would look at me back

The time I’ve spent with you

Moments that I’ll never forget

Things I’ve done that I’ll never regret

Stays in my mind

Reminding me of your love.

I scream in walloping silence, begging!

Begging for you to be with me

I’ll never stop asking you,

“Will you stay with me?”

Perhaps it’s wrong to say “Love me back”

Because love has nothing in return

I’ll never count the things I’ve done for you

It just states that I am impatient

You once said that love waits

That lovers have to be patient

And must have understanding

With boundless faith

It hurts to love when you’re away

That’s why distance is also part of love

My heart yells for you

But you had to go, to rest

When you’ll come back and see me

Please smile with all your might

Hug me with all your strength

For me to forget that I waited so long.

“My heart beats only for you”.

A friend in a Zone

Human is privileged to beg for love. We are capable of demanding it from other person. It has to be fair as we all thought of loving someone, it’s like a pact. “I will love you, please love me too.” We all wanted it to work that way because for us, it’s a torture- loving without you receiving some of it.

This means a world of our expectations, from the biggest to the slightest thing we could ask out from our fantasies that we want to make happen.

I have many friends, “boy” friends that usually and honestly consumes most of my time.  I fully know I have so much work to do but when the clock hits at 10 pm I decided to talk to them.

I heard more than stories not just of love but of life itself. I felt how hard love was it for those guys to bare. Craving for chances that only the future could tell if it’ll be worth. But as usual, they are hard to understand. There’s so many sides even I can’t comprehend even if I tried. They’ll say they wanted to move on, to forget, but you will see them begging for second chances. You will see them lurking to the ones they wanted to move off. You will hear them go over past they’re memories time to time a certain thing reminds them like food, place, favorites and etc. They’ll say they wanted to be free but it just means they wanted their girl to be free again from the new man who replaced them. They’ll say they’re happy but it means they would be happy if she comes back. They’ll say they wait but it means they badly needed an answer now.

I could never understand them. But I never understood myself more. Of why I keep on listening to their million time repeated stories and flashbacks. I never care if it began to hurt me and I could never understand myself so much. It scratches my heart and it aches when I saw them whole and happy in their past. Of how they find me at their darkest and broken hours and stopped to text me when they regain their previous relationship. Of how I was able to love someone who make me feel of love but has no deep meaning at all. And of how I wake up and face the new morning blessed and broken, no one has ever noticed even to those who demands of my time and ears, shoulders and tears.

I guess that’s how I worked with love. I wonder how I am able to sustain myself in my own knees when my heart breaks, of how I can still stand after a great fall and of how I was able to care again to some persons who insulted and never had done good for me. Despite of everything, I am glad I’ve helped them. It’s a great relief seeing them well in the side of others. At least I’ve done my part. I’d never had a relationship but I think this is my love life and that is to love life. A life that scoped a hard path, makes you endure and feel a profound victory in the end, a privilege other will never felt. 

Untouched

I touched his tears rolling in his cheeks and I felt its warmth, I look in his eyes then I felt the definite pain. Pain not caused by any other hurtful reasons but with a single fact and that is, we can never have the word “us”. The memory is still fresh as bleeding wounds from that night of June until the moment you read this. A day that remarked the first and last span of minutes I fell and fail in love.  It is really true that no matter how you’ve worked hard for things it will all fall to the same unexpected dead end. They say that the best way to murder someone is by telling them you love them and never talk to them anymore. I’ll bet it’s true.

Recently, I was being murdered. Someone told me they love me and promised me he’ll never change but at this moment, I no longer hear his voice anymore. Not even a word I heard from him, not even a glimpse. I couldn’t imagine how I’m still affected of him avoiding me at his best. I never understand why I’m hurt for that. Maybe I was hurt because of him stepping off my pride.

Things were bound to happen as they are destined to be included in the plan of your life. You see, every moment you breathe gives you another chance to do something that can step you up from your position today. We all have that chance to be hurt, but to get going shatters the source of negativity. For that we are encouraged to move on and have life we always ought to.

Untold Plea

I saw you from the distance.

It wasn’t clear, it only lasted a second.

I look around for I want to hold you

I couldn’t just see your face

Now I feel how everything is now a waste.

Perhaps fate don’t want us to meet again

We being in the same street is pain.

Maybe, you just don’t want to see me.

I’m not ready to face you.

Now, I don’t even want to see you.

Thousands of thoughts are in my mind,

It’s running every minute and it hurts every time.

We were now as cold as ice,

We never see each other, you’re not being nice

You never text me anymore

You wanted everything to be gone for sure.

But I would love to remain in this coldness, why? 

Because I know it will freeze my feelings

Until it dies, never grows anymore

Like an old dumb closed store

It won’t be able to hurt me any longer.

I’m chasing my hopes for this very season

Praying you’ll give me your best reason

Of why you have to comfort me a lie

For you to leave me from behind

But just tell me, you’ve change your mind.

Romance’s not mine

I decided to take path to the market, alone. I was profoundly bothered of being alone inside my room, silence could’ve killed me. Along the ride I think of many things. I think of my projects, assignments, service, my parents, my friends, my songs, the messages and memories within seconds. I think of him. A “He” I don’t really know, someone I just don’t mind to meet as my studies goes. He’s in my dream but still I couldn’t recognize him. I know so much about his life however I have to admit- I created them. After I fetched my senses back to life, I demanded the driver of the vehicle to stop to where I pointed- I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Hurriedly we drove in, I saw a sort of a friend. Then the word “Hi!” just come out like I wasn’t expected to vomit in a travel and not noticing my hands eagerly waving towards him. I never saw his response. The motor stopped and I dropped quickly, I was already on my way to him.  I was shy but I hid it perfectly with my smile, then away I just asked him. “You must treat me something today!” I joyfully requested. Since the day we met in youth gatherings he always asks me to treat him, but I did the reciprocal move. Whenever he asks I did the same thing. Just as timing so ideal I asked him in delight then I never expected he would grant it.

For the first time, we talked so much about school as we are on our way to the restaurant. There so much to topic about and I never notice that he’s already got us a good spot to settle. After we ordered, we ate. The laughter was bursting and there is so much reminders running through and fro in my head. I never minded them and the talk goes on. I was feeling easy then, I was happy and filled. Filled not just on the food but with hopes, hope not beyond of what others may think but a hope that someday my “He” would be like him. He shares a lot of what has happened in his day, he imparted his insights and frankly tells me that I’m an optimistic one. The moment fed me so much that he is forced to have the walk way back to home. I waited him to go off before I buy my things in the marketplace. However, when I was enjoying the feeling of gratefulness of having good time with him but suddenly a scene strikes a chord in the air. I remember he said, “I have someone whom I really admire, I wanted to talk with her but I can’t I’ll just wait for her maybe in the right time with a right me”. All time I was setting my highest hopes but it doesn’t make sense anymore.

I halted- I diverted my attention to my intentions of going to that place. I bought some rice grains, ordered some eggs and drove off the highway. I wasn’t thinking of anything this time my way home. I was emptied by the fact that I’m very desperate when it comes on anticipating that I could have a good relationship. I never doubted myself that I would really have that good guy someday in between but here I am meeting guys so good to be true but so bad of me I couldn’t ever have one of them. Dreams were just glazed to taste them so sweet causing me to exercise an assumption. I was forced to see that something’s going good within the bounds of the accompaniment, if assuming is a crime I would already be in jail. I’m behind those cold bars of hopelessness. I feign every friendly response though deep inside it means so much to me even how nonsense they were. How could I be so outstanding actress, I’m on the red carpet to Oscars for sure seeing myself talking like a jerk to my beautiful nightmare. It drags me down but I have to control myself and let the flow circulate like a blood. Just the hardest part is I am trying to make myself believe that the guy is not up to something with me, he just likes a talk. I was screaming inside because gladly I could consider having a better time with someone I’d love to. Now, what? We’ve just talk about the girl she’s up to and that sliced my nerves! Sometimes it’s better off your own shoe making drama than sticking around to those things that might only bring you down. I mean I just have to keep it a secret between me and myself.

Things might have taught us that Love must never come from any of these situations but must sprout out in the right time with the right place and with the right better person as anyone would expect you to deserve. Perhaps it must mean not to work out with me this time. It was meant an agony to be felt not meant to torment it myself. Hopeless little feelings might pinch a swelling hurt but I believed it always heals in the due process of time. It will lead you to being learned enough to let things unfolds your love story. I realized that not getting what you so much desire is a step closer in reaching thing you deserve. It keeps you away from a devastated damage where healing it might need more than time. I know this doesn't make any of your concern but we all get through the same plot. By all this time, I am affirmed that a puppy love doesn't exist, because Love has never been an animal but a saving gift. It was always that kind of love that everyone at in diverse ages feels, it was just way too wrong to feel and manipulate it in a rush. Someone has got to wait for healthier fits of things. Yes, I maybe have bunch of boyfriends, I could talk and have a date alike but I’m telling you the romance’s not mine, it’s for the other girls who’s their planning to complete their future in time. 

Happiness in Simplicity

The picture I made through Cs6; inspired of God's blessing.

Happiness is not in your present possessions nor be found in some wondrous places, but it is living always within us and how we see it makes it shines to others. They are noticed in our most humble living and purest intentions to anyone. Making GOD as the center of your life really teaches you how to love every little value here on earth. Even your darkest sorrows can turn to be your greatest light and strength of your journey if you just trust in his plans. You may not have the riches in the world nor any pleasures of it, just always remember that the genuine happiness is you who is grateful  of what GOD has handed. It dwells in your purest happy willing heart, ready to offer service to God through living the mission and inspiring other people.